Setting Healthy Boundaries for Yourself and Others
By Dr. Ayanna Abrams, Contributor
If there’s one thing we can all use right now, it’s boundaries. Consider boundaries to be your own personal and unique ‘rules of engagement’ for optimal functioning. Boundaries help you to feel emotionally and physically safe in your connections with others, and help you to stay centered and focused when you learn to set them well for yourself. They don't have to be a mystery or some huge life overhaul; they can begin with small acts you learn to maintain before you expand to other areas of your life.
Here are some tips about boundaries to remember:
1. Setting new boundaries is hard.
Boundary setting will be hard at first because it's a new behavior. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong to have those needs. But it may feel foreign at first to practice saying “no” or “that’s enough”. Practice makes progress. Reset and repeat.
2. Boundaries are not set in stone.
Boundaries change and grow as you do. Change is inevitable, which means that your needs will also change over time. What you desire in your relationships, whether personal or professional, can and will change as you learn more about yourself and what you need at each phase of life.
3. Your boundaries are your own.
Not everyone will like, approve or understand what you need from them to feel healthy and safe. Don't wait on someone's approval or appreciation to act in service of yourself. If you’ve communicated clearly about your needs and boundaries and someone refuses to listen, it likely reinforces why you needed that boundary to begin with.
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4. Boundaries involve both words and actions.
Practicing your boundaries goes much further than only speaking them. You’ll want to gain more practice at speaking up for yourself and being assertive but, more importantly, you’ll want to establish the value of your boundaries by following up with action. If you say you won't do something anymore after someone crosses your boundary, honor it. Give yourself permission to follow through on your needs. This is the best way to help others believe you and act accordingly.
5. Your mind and body know their boundaries.
Your body will tell you when you've overstepped your boundaries. Fatigue, aches and pains, loss of desire or delight in things you normally enjoy, and social isolation can all be signs that something going on around you or within you is crossing your personal threshold. If you are experiencing these symptoms, it could be time to re-examine your boundaries and see where more (or less) is needed.
6. Boundaries are part of everyday prioritizing.
We make boundary decisions everyday, so you've already got what it takes to set new ones! Waking up for work, going to meetings, setting up time to chat with friends, feeding pets--these are all examples of commitments you make each day about your time, energy, values and interests. They all require you to do (or not do) something, to prioritize what you find important, to show up for yourself in various ways. These are the foundations to getting your needs met.
What new boundaries have you set for yourself lately? Be sure to share with us in the comments below.
Dr. Ayanna Abrams
Contributor
Dr. Ayanna Abrams is a licensed clinical psychologist in Atlanta and Founder of Ascension Behavioral Health, LLC. Her specialties include working with Black women with symptoms of anxiety, depression and other mood disorders that affect functioning. She is also co-founder of Not So Strong, an initiative to improve the mental health and relationships functioning of Black women through vulnerable storytelling.